BENNY’S NEW HOUSE By John Fagan

Davie awoke with eyes almost glued together with sleep. Couldn’t remember much from last night. Two bottles of delicious vodka might not have been the best idea for dinner. His head felt like a balloon full of razors. The fresh taste of sick lingered in his mouth.

It took him a few seconds to realise that instead of his bed he was lodged inside a phone box, and a trucker had his penis wedged right into his ear. Could have been worse.

“Do you mind?” Davie asked the trucker.

“What?”

“Could you please remove your thing out of my ear?”

“Nope.”

That was not the reply Davie was hoping for. His mind raced back over last night’s events, hoping to solve this puzzle.

First, he was in the bedroom looking at old pictures of wee Barney, his dead cat. That felt miserable, so he opted to have a sip of some brain and liver poison. Things got a little fuzzy after that.

He remembered leaving the house feeling festive, swinging the empty bottles around. He also remembered reading a book and being on the back of a flying dog. There was a wolf with red eyes chasing him. A few midgets and a man made out of rocks were involved, too.

Moonchild. Yes, Moonchild! He remembered a name.

It was all slowly making sense.

Then it wasn’t.

Davie realised those last events were from a film he had a wank over yesterday afternoon. Nothing about last night came back.

The trucker yawned and scratched his beard.

“Look, I don’t mean to be rude here, but why the hell not?” Davie said, folding his arms.

“Because, he lives in there now. You sold me a house for Benny.”

“Your penis is called Benny?”

“Yes.”

“Well, how much did I sell you it for?”

“Two Canadian dollars.”

Davie fished the money out of his shirt pocket. “Can’t I just give you this money back?”

“Nope. I’m not planning to go back to Canada for a long time.”

Davie had just about enough. He pulled himself to his feet. The trucker moved away from the box and let him out.

“There, that wasn’t so bad was it?” Davie said, dusting his trousers. He slipped the money into the trucker’s shirt pocket. “I hope we can put this rather unfortunate situation behind us now.”

The trucker just stood there. Zip wide open. It was then that Davie realised that Benny the penis was still in his ear.

“How is this going to work?” Davie asked, pointing to Benny. The trucker shrugged.

“Well, I have to go now,” said the trucker. “I’ve got a long drive ahead of me.” He zipped up. And with that he was gone.

Davie stood next to the phone box wondering what to do. Benny stretched out and tickled his face. They both laughed. Davie knew from then on that they would be the greatest of friends.