Dear cast and crew;
After several years of thankless toil (on my part), I’m pleased to announce that our labor of love, the film adaptation of my hit off-off-Broadway musical, Yo, Rasputin, has finally made it through post-production and now we’re ready for Cannes. Hey, am I right? One big time, now.
Of course, the critical and popular response will be overwhelming so let me take this opportunity to say thanks to you folks for helping keep the glorious dream alive. Each of you contributed something of great value, whether it was time, energy, material resources, technical skills or just a lot of mindless bather that kept my spirits buoyant during the dark times of my psychic mylesmo (I just made up that word, do you like it?).
Anyway, you folks deserve the best and so late last night, after practicing my acceptance speech, I decided to take a moment to try and think of something that I could give to each of you as a token of appreciation for your selfless contributions in the service of my personal glory.
After a brief period of zen-like contemplation I became listless and decided to instead, read a magazine. In the magazine I found an article describing recent breakthroughs in quantum physics and according to this article, the latest theory of everything holds that there is not just one universe but a multitude of universes existing in extra-dimensional planes. It was gratifying to read this since I had informally proposed that theory years ago and nobody listened.
Well I’m thinking that it won’t be long before advances in virtual reality technology, coupled with a unified theory of space-time, will make it possible to actually create universes that are tailor-made to our individual needs. By the time all the details are finally worked out I’ll probably be rich and famous so as a special treat I’ve decided to buy each of you your own alternative universe.
In your own universe you’ll be the boss! No more annoying neighbors. And you can forget about embarrassing odors. All of life’s little irritants will fly right through a space-time wormhole and will reappear in someone else’s universe. Of course, any coherent universe would be somewhat constrained in the sense that it would have to operate under a coherent set of physical laws but hey, you’ll make the laws so you can do pretty much whatever you want.
Think of the possibilities: traffic jams are bringing you down? Just flap your arms and fly, you’ll save a bundle. Is arthritis making it hard to flap your arms? Just kiss it and make it go away. Speaking of kisses, you could have sex with all of your favorite cartoon characters. Personally, I’ve always had a thing for that one-eyed space chick on Futurama. When she stares into the camera with that great big eye well, just like… never mind. Anyway, the choices will be yours and nobody will have shit to say about it. It’s your universe.
In my universe I will have a seaside villa with a little dock and a wood planked patio by the shore. Every evening I and my dinner guests will enjoy delicious delicacies from the sea and sip refreshing drinks made with fine liquors and seawater (in my universe seawater would taste good). A trio of humble but talented musicians will serenade us with soothing melodies, never playing bluegrass versions of Beatles tunes. For our after-dinner amusement, a team of brawny man-servants will bring out, one at a time, every person from our current universe who has ever pissed me off or disrespected me in any way.
These persons will then be stripped down to a pair of silly looking underwear that they’ll have been fitted with earlier in the day. They will then be flogged mercilessly with cat-o-nine tails wielded by a gang of swarthy pygmies all of whom will be wearing form-fitting masks made in my likeness. For maximum agony, their wounds will be doused with seawater. In my universe, even though the seawater tastes good it will still have a high sodium content. The hapless playthings will then be taken to a nearby processing plant where they will be blenderized and then added to the following pre-mixed ingredients.
1) 6 lb granulated sugar
2) 4 gal heavy cream
3) 2 gal whole milk
4) 3 dozen eggs
5) 12 oz vanilla extract
6) dash of salt
7) natural flavorings (proprietary)
This mix will then be frozen at –40 F for twenty-four hours to kill bacteria. After thawing to 14 F, the mix will be served as a frozen confection to anyone who ever voted for a Tea Party candidate. I won’t do the serving myself but rather I’ll relax at my seaside villa content to watch the action on HaroldTV.
When not otherwise occupied I’ll continue to relax and perhaps write poetry or read classic works of literature while sipping the aforementioned refreshing drinks.
Now, if any of you folks become bored with your universe, you will be more than welcome to join me at my villa. Please feel free to bring any of your former tormentors from this universe whom you think might need to be blenderized. New faces will always be welcome at the after-dinner festivities. Let’s have some fun with the bastards, that’s what I say. Anyway, thanks a bunch.