INFOMERCIAL By Shane Ryan Bailey

Feeling lonely? Bored? Horny? Are you too socially awkward to talk to women or just downright creepy? Are you unable to experience sexual relations because nobody wants you at all? Have no fear, Sex Master 5000 is here! The cutting-edge technology of the Sex Master 5000 can immerse you within a virtual reality where you can meet women. You won’t even have to leave the comfort of your own home. The Sex Master 5000 brings women to you!

Quit killing trees by buying porn magazines. And porn magazines can give papercuts. OUCH! Stop putting your computer at risk by visiting porn sites on the Internet. Who knows what viruses and spyware are being installed on your computer? YIKES! And don’t even think about visiting the bad part of town to have a quickie with a prostitute. Who knows what diseases are lurking in her nether regions? ICK!

With the Sex Master 5000, you can experience safe sex. You heard that correctly. The Sex Master 5000 allows you to do more than just view a naked woman’s body. It will bring you the experience of touching and interacting with that naked body. Yes, it’s true! What you can never experience in real life with any woman in her right mind is now possible through the miracle of virtual reality!

How does it work? The Sex Master 5000 looks very much like a futuristic football helmet. All you need to do is place it on your head, press the power button on the side and a visual menu of commands will immediately appear before your eyes. The commands are voice activated, so all you need to do is say aloud what it is you want. It’s that easy! Watch this technologically incompetent elderly man use it with ease. Wow! Just look at the big smile on his face! Once you have gotten through the initial prompts, you will find that the Sex Master 5000 contains an extensive digital library of women you can upload whenever you want, however you want. Each digital woman will appear fully three-dimensional and in high definition. So life-like, you’ll swear she is the real thing!

For just the low price of $999.99, the Sex Master 5000 can be yours! Call the toll free number at the bottom of your television screen.

With the Sex Master 5000, you are in control. Don’t like the hot babe you are viewing? No problem! Just switch to another woman from the digital library. With the Sex Master 5000, you can even alter the appearance of any woman within the digital library. Change her height, weight, hair, and eye color. Change her voice. Change her occupation. Change her breast size. Other men have to beg their real girlfriends to undergo breast enhancement surgery. With the Sex Master 5000, you don’t need to make a trip to the plastic surgeon. You can change any digital woman’s breast size with just a vocal command. It’s that easy! Feel like adding multiple breasts? Go ahead! You can even remove her breasts entirely so she appears as flat-chested as a boy. Prefer your women to be monstrously obese? No problem! At your command, your digital woman will transform into a behemoth right before your eyes. Prefer your women to be ridiculously skinny? No problem! You are in total control. With the Sex Master 5000, you can also change the skin color of any of our sexy digital women—even skin colors not naturally found on this planet! If you can imagine it, the Sex Master 5000 can produce it. Give her a unicorn horn. Give her raven wings. Remove one eye and make her a cyclops. Take away her legs and give her a fish tail. Look, you just created a mermaid! With the Sex Master 5000, the choices to mold one of our women as you please are endless!

And if you are the kind of weirdo who fantasizes about getting it on with cartoon figures, the Sex Master 5000 is for you! Betty Boop, Wonder Woman, Marge Simpson, Minnie Mouse, Daisy Duck—they’re all included. And let’s not forget about Hello-o-o-o Kitty! Make her purr.

Got a thing for Hollywood starlets of yesteryear? The Sex Master 5000 brings them back from the dead! It’s true! Imagine Marilyn Monroe scratching your seven year itch. And wait till your grandpa sees our Shelley Winters: the young, thin and sexy version; not the old and fat version that starred in The Poseidon Adventure. We even have Sophia Loren in her prime, the way she was meant to be seen, before she became wrinkly and saggy.

We have Mae West. Come up and see me sometime.

We have Lauren Bacall. If you want me, just whistle. You know how to whistle don’t you? You just put your lips together and blow.

We have Bette Davis. What a dump!

We have Joan Crawford. No wire hangers!

If it is your heart’s desire, you can bring Bette Davis and Joan Crawford together. Watch them get bitchy! Watch them slap each other! Watch their cat fight end with a peaceful round of kissing!

We also have Lana Turner, Anna May Wong, Rita Hayworth, Lena Horne, Clara Bow, and America’s sweetheart, Mary Pickford. And that’s not all! We also have other celebrities—dead and alive. Look, there is Oprah Winfrey taking a bubble bath in your tub. Afternoon dee-light!

All the women in the Sex Master 5000 digital library are yours for the low price of $999.99. But wait! There’s more! Why limit yourself to just one woman at a time when you can have a room full of buxom beauties? Transform your home into the Playboy Mansion. In a matter of seconds, you can summon the Nicaraguan Women’s Olympic Volleyball Team into your bedroom. You can have the cheerleaders of the Dallas Cowboys give you a massage. But wait! There’s more!

With the Sex Master 5000’s cutting-edge patented technology, you can upload your own photos to create an even more personal experience. Those photos you secretly took of your neighbor lady? Just upload them to the Sex Master 5000 and in minutes your neighbor lady will be in your presence. That sexy woman at the office you are too scared to talk to? Just upload her profile pic from the company’s website and within minutes you can talk to her all night long. Don’t like what she is wearing? No problem! With the Sex Master 5000, you can dress her up or dress her down.

The Sex Master 5000 is also a great gift idea for birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. The Sex Master 5000 is perfect for any and every occasion. It is also a lot of fun at parties. Take it to your next bachelor party, office party, retirement party, or bar mitzvah. The Sex Master 5000 is the hit of every party. The Sex Master 5000 is also a great educational tool parents can give to their teenage sons for a thorough sex education.

If you call the toll free number at the bottom of your television screen in the next five minutes, we will throw in this free chamois cloth. Operators are waiting to take your call now.

Hi. I’m Bambi. Will you call me? The phone lines are quiet right now and I’m getting bored. I would love to talk to you. If you call the number at the bottom of your screen in the next few minutes, I’ll throw in something extra just for you. I will include a digital image of myself which you can view and touch in the Sex Master 5000. I want you to touch me. I like to be tickled. But honey, it is only available if you call in the next few minutes. Don’t miss this opportunity. The Sex Master 5000 is not sold in stores. When you call, have your credit card handy. But call soon. This offer is for a very limited time. Won’t you call me? Please don’t keep a beautiful girl like me waiting. Oh, baby, won’t you call? Please call. I want to hear your voice. Hurry!

Shane lives in the United States.  His literary fiction has appeared in Evergreen Review, Corium Magazine, Random Sample, BULL: Men’s Fiction, and elsewhere.