“Arthur Crawley just don’t cut it as a name for a porn star, son,” explained the world weary Lem Lucas, Senior Manager of the X-RATED MODELS AND ACTORS TALENT AGENCY INC. “You need a short, snappy, sexy name something like Buck Naked.
“Gee I like that,” said Arthur, proving he was not the brightest duck on the pond, even if he might be ranked among the more handsome.
“I was only using Buck Naked as a corny example. You can’t use it; it’s as old as the hills. And it’s ridiculous.”
Disappointment washed across Arthur’s face.
“Let’s try the traditional way. For your first name, we take your nickname when you were a kid or when you were in school.” The slight shake of his head indicated Arthur didn’t care for that idea.
“Then we use the name of the street you grew up on.”
Very reluctantly, he answered, “Okay.”
“What was the name of the street you grew up on son?”
“New Cemetery Road.”
“You don’t say?” replied a perplexed Lem rubbing his chin and thinking this was a lot more difficult than it should be. “Uhm, let’s start at the beginning. What was your nickname in school?”
“You got to promise not to laugh.”
“I promise and I’m sure.”
“Dogballs? Did I hear right…Dogballs?” Arthur began to blush. “They called you Dogballs Crawley?” Silence from Arthur. “And you answered to it?”
Arthur’s nod was followed by a pregnant pause. “When a teacher was around they shortened it to Dogs.” His blushing grew even worse, “It was an all-boys school.”
“Okay,” agreed Lem trying to sound understanding.
“And people say strange things.”
Seems to me like they think strange things too, pondered Lem trying to keep a straight face. “Hmm, Dogballs New Cemetery,” he muttered because he didn’t know what else to say.
“Are you looking for another angle, like Dogs New Cemetery?”
“Naw, it doesn’t work on any level son, trust me. Let’s put our thinking caps on.”
“My middle name is Shadrach,” offered Arthur quietly. Lem shot him a withering glare but didn’t say a word. “You know, I keep coming back to Buck Naked!”
“Forget it Dogballs…I mean son.”
Barry O’Farrell (@BarryO_Tweet) is an Australian actor who sometimes writes.
Barry’s stories have appeared in Cyclamens & Swords, The Flash Fiction Press, A Story In 100 Words, 101 Words, 50 Word Stories, Writers Grapevine and of course here in The Dirty Pool.
One of Barry’s short stories will appear in FUTUREVISION, the forthcoming anthology of great Australian sci-fi stories.